False eyelashes! Why? Just why? Ok, so I will tell you why I decided to try some out. Because, it’s simple really. Mother Nature is a massive bitch and drying up your baby maker isn’t enough for her. She really really wants to twist the knife. So what that deranged mad woman does is decide to remove your hair. Your eyelashes get thin, so does your hair and oooh honey it won’t be long before you can stop going for that Brazilian!
Anyway I foolishly thought it might be quite nice if I gussied myself up a bit. Dwane Dibley had his triple thick condom I have a packet of false eyelashes after all “you never know your luck”. Anyone who didn’t watch Red Dwarf move along. You wont get that epic joke.
So, let me start by saying false eyelashes are the bastard devil incarnate shit heads themselves to put on. Got the lash off the plastic mould thing it was stuck to. Welded on there so damed tight I managed to pull a few lashes off. Unfortunately the lashes in the middle. No matter, I can patch that. Got the glue out that smells and looks like the fish glue we used to use as kids as school. Again, if you didn’t watch Red Dwarf you wont remember copydex fish guts glue.
Cat jumps up meowing and rubbing himself against me.
Fuck off cat
Meoooowweee
Fuck. Off. Cat.
Suddenly I realise that I’m short sighted to fuck now that I’m old. I put my glasses on realise I can’t put lashes on with glasses in way. Panic slightly as glue on lashes is drying and I can’t shake it free from my fingers. Shake hands wildly, lashes come off and a few more rip off the strip. Give in, take off glasses. Blink for several seconds and lean in real close to the mirror. Decide to put glue straight on my lashes. Cat likes smell and tries to rub his arse across my eyes
Cat. Seriously. Fuck. Off. You stripey twat!
Cat sphincter close up is never good. Even I can see it without my glasses on.
Put lashes on. Somehow they dont line up properly and get stuck to my eyebrows after I blink. Remove, lose more lashes, stick back on. This time I go too far over and it pulls my eyelid down so I look as if I have had a stroke.
Cat rubs his arse across my face again.
Meeeooooweeww
You. Utter. Utter. Twat.
Remove eyelash from hair.
Try again. Eventually, after lots of glue I manage to glue my eyelids together and the lashes are stuck to my other hand. I’m blind. I stagger into the bathroom and try washing the glue off. The lashes are bedraggled and bald yet I continue in a fit of bloody minded stubborness. Why? Why am I doing this to myself?
Eventually, I get them on. I lean back to admire my perseverance. Its not good. Not good at all.
I have glue on my eyebrows. My real lashes are clumped together and the bald waterlogged fake lashes are dripping off my eyes at jaunty angles. Not a good look. Less sulty siren and more meth queen. Have massive temper tantrum, rip off eyelashes take quite a few of my own with it and throw them in the bin. I’m now left with a face smelling like fish glue. Cat hair stuck to my eyebrows and half my eyelashes missing.
Fuck you Vanity! Fuck. You.
Pass the Gin 